Laughter amid tears.  Is there any other state of emotion that more fully reflects life and humanity itself?  When we laugh while crying, we prove to ourselves once again that sorrow and joy can and do coexist.  Rather than mortal enemies, sorrow and joy go hand in hand, each dependent on the other and constantly intertwining to bring us life in its richest form.  In my years of experience in assisted living, it’s the residents and families that laugh together who are able to cope most effectively with whatever comes their way.  

Here are a few ways to weave moments of happiness into life, even amid difficult times:

1. Develop an eye for the ridiculous.  One of my favorite sources of hilarity is the grocery store line.  There never fails to be a magazine cover touting ways to lose 50 pounds fast AND the most delicious brownie recipe you’ve ever tasted, all in the same issue.  I also love typographical errors on signs and menus and the like. Look around you for the weird and funny things life surrounds you with and laugh together with your loved ones about life’s oddities.
2. Immortalize inside jokes.  My family is particularly adept at laughter amid tears.  In the middle of a heavy moment, and our family has had plenty of these over the past few years, one of us will reference an inside joke and all of a sudden we are all laughing together.  We might have caused a stir in a few hospitals and funeral homes over the past few years with our carrying on. When my dad had open heart surgery as he lay there in ICU, someone infamously said to him  “At least you haven’t had c-sections like your wife had.” So now anytime someone goes through a health problem in our family we laugh and say “At least it’s not a c-section.” Family inside jokes keep things close and humorous and they most often come out of ridiculous remarks or otherwise offensive situations.  Take those crazy stressful moments and turn them into reasons to laugh later.
3. Lead the way to laughter, even if you’re the one in tears.  Many times, our loved ones aren’t sure how to act around us when we are suffering or when we get bad news.  If you are suffering and you laugh first, you give others around you permission to be ok. One of our residents in the past was showing me one of those longwear lipsticks and she referred to it as her “Leitz Eagan Lipstick.”  Since the lipstick doesn’t come off easily, she joked that she’d still have it on when she lay in Leitz Eagan Funeral Home. With that joke, she gave me permission to laugh, she showed her own ineffable sparkle, and she gifted me with a wonderful memory of my time with her. 

Aging, illness, and the process of choosing long term care solutions can be a stressful process.  Humor can add a much needed breath of fresh air to your family as you move through the care of an aging parent.  Don’t be afraid to laugh when you cry, and laugh until you cry. There’s no need to wait until a crisis has passed to be able to smile with the ones you love.

“Baby, I didn’t get to 94 years old by bein’ stupid!”

Mr. John was confident that he was smart.  Who wouldn’t be in awe of a WW2 veteran, a member of Patton’s regiment, successful businessman and father?  But the twinkle in his eye told me it didn’t hurt for him to hear that someone else respected his intelligence.

As they age, many become hyper focused on aches, pains, health issues, or digestive processes.  People will often compare health problems in conversation with each other in a common bond of suffering.  Conversations get reduced to topics like whether he took his medicine or when his next doctor appointment is scheduled.  With this kind of eclipsing focus on health problems, often other topics of conversation fall by the wayside.

When the process of aging is all a person talks about it can be hard to think of him as more than his age or health problem.  Combat this by purposefully bringing up other topics of conversation.  Here are three ideas for bringing a sparkle to the eye and a smile to the face of an elderly person New Orleans:

1)  Give a sincere compliment on an elderly person’s style, smile, or wit and watch him light up.  I make it a point to notice something about my residents besides their ages and care needs.  “That lipstick looks fantastic on you!”  Or “Those are words of wisdom.” Notice a new hairdo, a flattering tie, or a profound contribution to a conversation.  Never underestimate the value of the words: “You were right!”

2)  Ask a genuine question and listen for the wisdom that comes from a mouth surrounded by laugh lines.  “How many years did you work for the phone company?”  “What was high school like for you?”  “What do you think about all these delivery services getting popular for bringing groceries or food to people’s homes?”  Even when there are aches and pains plaguing her, your loved one may relish talking about some area of her expertise.  To be heard is to be loved.

3)  Thank an elderly person Metairie for the difference she made for you.  When a resident makes my day with a smile, hug or compliment, I always tell him or her, “You just made my day.”  If I get a piece of advice or a funny story, I try to let the person know that they really helped me.  Older people can still make a difference and its important to tell them so.

When we take the time to look and listen, we usually find that those we care for are treasure troves of joyful moments.  This is true regardless of age or physical and mental challenge.  Not only will you boost an elderly person’s day by trying these tips, but you’ll receive amazing moments of laughter, learning and fun for yourself.  Take a moment today to bring out the twinkle in the eye of someone you love.

That octogenarian mom was aggravated with her children.  She was done. Though her statement is hilarious considering the source, it’s also a reminder to me that as we age, we still approach life as our “same old selves”.  Have you ever looked in the mirror and thought “How did I get these lines or those pounds? I still feel like I’m 28.”? Age creeps along and we barely notice the metamorphosis because we are busy living life and being ourselves.

My resident’s wrinkled face and shuffling gait mean others see her as a little old lady.  But she’s so much more. She’s still a mother, a wife, a professional, a churchgoer, an independent thinker.  Oh, the things she’s seen and done. How awful it must be to have one’s real self ignored, to be summed up as nothing more than your age.

My business card says “Executive Director” and because I sit in the boss’ chair, people can get at least some idea of my effort and experiences.  When I think about the lovely adventures I’ve had and the hard work I’ve done, I dread the day when all anyone sees in me will be my wrinkles and age spots.  What a shame that our society often marginalizes those of us with the most adventures survived, most stories to tell, most experience and wisdom to offer.

Maybe your elderly mom or dad has decided not to have any more kids.  Maybe his or her frustration level often reaches a boiling point. Could it be that your parent is weary of only being seen as her age?  All our elders often want is to be seen and respected as a whole person, the accumulation of a life of experience. Reducing an elderly person to nothing but an “old lady” is a sure fire way to elicit her frustration.  Try bringing out other aspects of your parent’s personality. Find ways to express the respect you have for his life and experiences. Remind yourself and others that your parent is more than his or her current age and health condition.  Talk about something besides your agenda for your parent. You might find that once she is treated as more than an old lady, she begins to act like herself again.

1)  Do it all yourself.  Most families begin with this choice, especially when care needs are few.  Care becomes more difficult when a parent needs assistance with several daily activities like driving, laundry, housekeeping, cooking, bathing, and paying bills.  Doing all care personally may eventually require nearly 100 percent of your time and effort, or may require that you live with your parents or they live with you.  Burnout and stress are common pitfalls, and older adults who spend most of their time at home often lack age-appropriate socialization and experience loneliness.

2)  Hire help at home.  Sometimes a family friend or neighbor is willing to take the job, or you may find an individual with good recommendations.  There are also caregiving agencies that will supply you with a caregiver, some handle background checks, call-ins, and other issues for you. Hiring in-home care can be one of the most costly and time intensive options.  Socialization for the older adult is often limited to one-on-one interaction with the hired caregiver.

3)  Assisted Living services:  Assisted living residences generally provide an apartment, along with additional services such as meals, housekeeping, laundry, and personal care.  Transportation is usually available, along with activities designed to encourage social interaction.  Assisted living can give a parent and child a level of privacy and peace of mind, while allowing both to maintain some independence. Older adults can regain a feeling of autonomy since they aren’t “at the mercy” of family and friends to meet their needs. Lonely seniors benefit greatly from the peer socialization that naturally occurs in an assisted living environment.  Often, assisted living is significantly more affordable than hired in-home care.

4)  Residential Care Homes/Dementia care.  Residential care homes provide care for 5 to 8 people in a house.  Some dementia care can be done through a residential care home, or an assisted living.  Precautions are taken for residents who wander, including security codes and fenced outside walking areas.  These smaller homes offer limited activity and socialization opportunities.

5)  Nursing Homes.  Nursing homes are medical facilities that provide nursing care around the clock, and most offer rehabilitation services such as physical and occupational therapy.  While nursing homes are covered by Medicare and Medicaid to some extent, private payment at a nursing home is costly.

6)  Sliding scale housing/community services. Area Council on Aging organizations set up senior centers, sometimes providing a noon meal, organized activities, and limited transportation for seniors, often at little to no charge. Sliding scale housing developments provide low-cost rental housing, are age and income restricted.

Choosing the best care option or combination of options takes time, good communication, and plenty of flexibility.  Don’t be daunted by the overwhelming amount of information, but keep persisting until the right solution emerges for you and your family.