Laughter amid tears.  Is there any other state of emotion that more fully reflects life and humanity itself?  When we laugh while crying, we prove to ourselves once again that sorrow and joy can and do coexist.  Rather than mortal enemies, sorrow and joy go hand in hand, each dependent on the other and constantly intertwining to bring us life in its richest form.  In my years of experience in assisted living, it’s the residents and families that laugh together who are able to cope most effectively with whatever comes their way.  

Here are a few ways to weave moments of happiness into life, even amid difficult times:

1. Develop an eye for the ridiculous.  One of my favorite sources of hilarity is the grocery store line.  There never fails to be a magazine cover touting ways to lose 50 pounds fast AND the most delicious brownie recipe you’ve ever tasted, all in the same issue.  I also love typographical errors on signs and menus and the like. Look around you for the weird and funny things life surrounds you with and laugh together with your loved ones about life’s oddities.
2. Immortalize inside jokes.  My family is particularly adept at laughter amid tears.  In the middle of a heavy moment, and our family has had plenty of these over the past few years, one of us will reference an inside joke and all of a sudden we are all laughing together.  We might have caused a stir in a few hospitals and funeral homes over the past few years with our carrying on. When my dad had open heart surgery as he lay there in ICU, someone infamously said to him  “At least you haven’t had c-sections like your wife had.” So now anytime someone goes through a health problem in our family we laugh and say “At least it’s not a c-section.” Family inside jokes keep things close and humorous and they most often come out of ridiculous remarks or otherwise offensive situations.  Take those crazy stressful moments and turn them into reasons to laugh later.
3. Lead the way to laughter, even if you’re the one in tears.  Many times, our loved ones aren’t sure how to act around us when we are suffering or when we get bad news.  If you are suffering and you laugh first, you give others around you permission to be ok. One of our residents in the past was showing me one of those longwear lipsticks and she referred to it as her “Leitz Eagan Lipstick.”  Since the lipstick doesn’t come off easily, she joked that she’d still have it on when she lay in Leitz Eagan Funeral Home. With that joke, she gave me permission to laugh, she showed her own ineffable sparkle, and she gifted me with a wonderful memory of my time with her. 

Aging, illness, and the process of choosing long term care solutions can be a stressful process.  Humor can add a much needed breath of fresh air to your family as you move through the care of an aging parent.  Don’t be afraid to laugh when you cry, and laugh until you cry. There’s no need to wait until a crisis has passed to be able to smile with the ones you love.

Sound like a twenty-something talking to her friends?  Try a ninety-something talking to our nurse!

My first reaction to this request was to hope and pray that I’m the lady requesting a Victoria’s Secret trip when I’m ninety something.  I want to be just like my resident characters who bring me inspiration and joy. My next thought was for the salesperson. It’s not every day Victoria’s Secret salespeople assist a woman in her nineties.  

I think there’s something to learn from my Victoria’s Secret friend about helping our elderly loved ones.  Of course we don’t often hear of women in their nineties worried about pretty underwear. Why? Because as we age, extras like beautiful undergarments take second place to the main priority of accomplishing the “basics”.  My friend was no different than most other people who come to us for help. Her children had been struggling to make sure she had everything she needs: hearing aids, steady shoes, a cane, three nutritious meals every day. Who had time for indulgences?  

Now that she is adjusted and happy in her assisted living environment, with her cute apartment, good food, friends, and opportunities to be active, she and her family are at peace.  Without the worry of who is cooking the next meal, who is keeping track of blood pressure, or how she’s going to get to her doctor’s appointment, this lady is free to be herself. That just happens to include the need for a “bust”!  

Your loved one may not be the Victoria’s Secret type, but my guess is there’s something she’d like to do, some “extra” she’s given up in order to prioritize her more basic needs.  Sometimes its a Bible study group, a favorite craft, or a Bunco game, but so many residents who come to us have long since given up their superfluous desires. What if assisted living could give your loved one her “secret” back?  What if having the help you need taking care of the basics gives you and your mom the peace of mind to be able to laugh again and the breathing room to afford to consider enjoying something extra?  

Not only residents, but stressed out caregivers do the same elimination of extra pleasures in favor of what they must do for their loved ones.  From dream trips to Europe to simple date nights at a local burger joint, we’ve seen family members get to experience life’s extras again once their parent is well cared for with us.  Assisted living at St. Francis Villa means better quality of life, and not just for residents but for all of us who have the privilege of caring for those residents and for the families who receive a much needed source of support.  What’s our secret? Our secret is giving you back your “secret’!